MALL SANTA'S COUGH SYRUP SOAP

Duke Cannon isn't a big fan of wearing costumes, but he'll make an exception around the holidays. Like in December of '03 when Kris Kringle's local stand-in stumbled up to the mall with his beard askew and a case of the brown bottle flu. Duke Cannon booted that cotton-headed ninny muggins from his throne of lies, and proceeded to don St. Nick's uniform himself, saving a cherished holiday tradition and countless youngsters from a sleigh-load of childhood trauma.

Inspired by this incident, Mall Santa's Cough Syrup Soap smells like The North Pole and peppermints, not beef and cheese.